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November 3rd at 4:50PM

The Election Day/Night "What Now?" Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

Are you gearing up for a looooong Election Night? Got the toothpicks ready to hold your eyelids open and the ol' faithful meth lab cranking?

Well, you might have to face the fact that the evening might not go the way you're planning. This election might get all kinds of…called at a decent hour.

Are you prepared for that? What will you do with yourself? What do you need to start putting your life back together again after 16 months of intense obsessive obsesso-intensity?

Here, let us help you get started:

* Take a shower.

* Shave the beard you promised you'd grow until your candidate was elected. If your candidate wasn't elected, shave it anyway. You look foolish.

* Go grocery shopping. Make sure to sock up on plenty of superfoods and whole grains.

* Drink a glass of wine for heart health.

* Drink three more glasses of wine to kill the brain cells responsible for holding onto names like "Megyn Kelly" and "Tucker Bounds".

* Catch up on The Wire, Lost, 24, Battlestar Gallactica, Big Love, 30 Rock, Dexter, The Office, House, Entourage, Six Feet Under, The Venture Brothers and Weeds.

* Finish that screenplay about the enterprising young blog reader caught up in national intrigue.

* Put your losing candidate election gear in your irony box.

* Tuck your kids into bed. Call your secret wife and tell her to tuck your secret kids into bed too.

* Celebrate democracy by dipping into your illegal Fourth of July fireworks stash and blowing shit up.

* Don't get complacent. The battle for Pierce County clerk between kindergarten teacher Liddy Smeagol and entrenched incumbent Betty Hornel is still too close to call. Isn't time to restore good handwriting to Tacoma once and for all? GOTV! GOTV!

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Palin has been allowing wolves and other endangered animals like whales to be hunter sience 2003

by shika November 4th at 11:33PM
14 Comments
October 14th at 5:04PM

The Presidential Debate "Energizing Your Base" Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

The final presidential debate is upon us, and let's face it — we're really beyond a drinking game by now, aren't we?

Everything has been building, building, building for so long that at this point, we just want the climax already. Yeah, you feel us. We're just animals, right? Aw, yeah. Political animals.

So, while drinking can (should?) certainly accompany the action, this game is about building to that climax. Although, we have a feeling you'll find this game just as frustrating as the debate itself:

If Either Candidate Says This: Do This with the Person to Your Left:
"First of all, I'd like to thank Hofstra University…"

 Eye Contact
"Maverick"

 Handshake
"Middle class"

 Firm Handshake
"He'll raise your taxes"

 Quick Peck on Cheek
"It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't get it"

 Brush of Hand on Thigh
"Miss Congeniality"

 Kiss (Mouth)
"Health care is a right, not a privilege"

 Tongue
"The fundamentals of our economy are strong"

 Over-Shirt Grope
"Yes, President Bush would make an excellent Commissioner of Baseball"

 Under-Shirt Grope
"Let me start with a shout-out to the Riz, T-Bone, the 785, Shortie K…"

 Hand-to-Gland Combat
"Those mouth-breathing, rust-munching, coal-fondlers in Ohio can kiss my ass. Ditto those tobacco-hawking Virginia douche-nozzles…"

 Nether-Region Suckery
"My friends, can I even tell you how hard I am right now?"

 "It"

Click here for a printable version!

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by sgbfvnmtike July 1st at 10:20PM
10 Comments
October 7th at 2:29PM

Presidential Debate "Write the Smears" Drinking Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

In light of the attack-y tone the campaign is taking, tonight's presidential debate promises to be an exercise in polite repression. And isn't that the kind of thing that drives people to drink in the first place?

Wouldn't you rather express and drink at the same time? Well, that's where we come in. Because this drinking game will get your "magnetic poetry" juices flowing…

…as well as the juices you need to digest alcohol.

To play the Presidential Debate "Write the Smears" Drinking Game, you can either click here, or print this.

And then, follow these rules:

1. Each time a candidate starts to answer a question, you have until he finishes speaking to assemble the vile, baseless smear of his opponent he is thinking instead of the answer he is giving.

2. When time is up, compare with your friends.

3. The person with the best smear takes two drinks. The person with the worst takes one.

4. Repeat.

Get your smear on while you get your drink on!

And, if you think you can handle the Expert Version of the game, play against The InDecider here.

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LAST COMMENT:

ABOUT JOE BIDEN SAID THE NEXT PRESIDENT WILL BE TESTED!!!! OF COURSE !!! WE ARE IN A GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS. MCCAIN SAID HE WAS ALREADY TESTED. WHERE???? IN THE WAR ???? WE WIN:::DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH!!!! HE ALREADY WAS TESTED AND FAIL. FAIL FAIL.......................... OBAMA WILL BE TESTED AND HE HAS THE ABILITY TO PASS THE TEST. WE CAN NOT AFFORD ANOTHER 4 YEARS WITH THE SAME BUSH.....................NO MORE.........................................

by colba October 23rd at 7:52AM
14 Comments
October 1st at 5:20PM

The Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

If you're like us, you already started drinking weeks ago in preparation for tomorrow night's debate, which will no doubt be the most watched vice presidential debate in the history of televised vice presidential debates. But if you're waiting till Gwen Ifill officially gets the party started, we've got something for ya.

The rules are simple: each of these is to be accompanied by a shot of any neutral grain spirit you can get your hands on:

* Every time Sarah Palin says "Gwen," open your copy of How to Totally Ace Your Job Interview, and then think about where you see yourself in five years.

* Every time Joe Biden says "malarkey," drink a shot of hogwash.

* Every time Palin mentions Russia, mention France, re: Senator Biden's underpants.

* Every time Biden mentions his Scranton upbringing, sing the first verse of "Allentown."

* Every time Palin mentions wildlife protection, skin the person next to you.

* Every time Biden mentions his father, sing the bridge of "Allentown."

* Every time Palin accidentally agrees with Barack Obama, spin around and around in your chair until whatever she said starts to sound like a GOP talking point.

* Every time Biden mentions taking the train to and from his Senate job, sing the train whistle part at the beginning of "Allentown."

* Every time Palin mentions small town values, inquire about banning a Harry Potter book and bill yourself for your own rape kit.

* Every time Biden drops an anachronism, airmail Alexander Hamilton a cuneiform slab with your pager number.

* Every time someone in the room says Palin seems like someone cool to have a beer with, stand up and yell "Goody Palin is a witch!"

* Every time Biden and Palin break into an argument, make out with the person next to you.

* Every time Biden and Palin make out, debate the person next to you.

* Every time Palin speaks in a run-on sentence, get yourself for into the position of being to drink a sip of beer and therefore on the chair on which you sit turn around and face your neighbor but you will not have had enough into which to vomit and that's good because you will be feeling in a way that is comparable to ways in which you have drunk before, at home, where they teach good drinking values.

Click here for your very own printable version!

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by joyzalp July 1st at 11:09AM
18 Comments
September 25th at 2:16PM

The Presidential Debate Drinking Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

Assuming John McCain decides to show up for the presidential debate, it will take place tomorrow night at the University of Mississippi. (For the record, we think there are people out there who deserve to use delay tactics way more than McCain does. This guy, for example.)

But whenever the debate takes place, you're gonna need some sort of drinking game. The key to this one is to take a shot of Everclear and then do each of the following:

* Everytime a candidate mentions September 11th, prank-call Rudy Giuliani.

* Every time a candidate mentions the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, plunge a turkey baster into your ice cube tray.

* Every time a candidate promises to bring back blue collar jobs, call your customer service rep in Bangalore.

* Every time a candidate says "folks," threaten to foreclose on an Iowa farm unless the farmer's daughter "cooperates."

* Every time Barack Obama mentions his tax cuts for the middle class, gift-wrap a box of poo for your rich uncle.

* Every time McCain says "friends," call Lindsey Graham and say "I think he's talking about you!"

* Every time Obama pauses before the predicate of a sentence, go watch Star Trek: The Original Series to see how a pro does it.

* Every time Jim Lehrer says something boring, send yourself a "Celtic Thunder" tote bag.

* Every time McCain mentions "the Surge," drink a Red Bull. Every time he mentions "Red Bull," drink a Surge.

* Every time Obama strings together at least three fuzzy, liberal platitudes, cue up the episode of The West Wing where Mrs. Landingham dies.

* Every time McCain refers to his running mate, stand up, face Russia and finish whatever bottle is in front of you.

For more advanced debate/game fun, click here and here.

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LAST COMMENT:

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by Foreclosure June 29th at 3:17PM
13 Comments
September 24th at 3:33PM

Vice Presidential Debate Negotiations Include Standing Up, with Short Bursts of Debating

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

The rules of the October 2nd Vice Presidential debate have been set, and the gist of it is this: the Democrats wanted Joe Biden and Sarah Palin at lecterns instead of sitting down at a table, as was the case with Dick Cheney and his last two rivals; and, since the Republicans wanted to limit the time available to question Palin on a single topic, the candidates will each only have 90 seconds to respond to questions.

Some of the demands that were not met in these negotiations include the Democrats' request for two quarts of motor oil, a comb, and a champagne glass full of green M&Ms in Biden's dressing room, and the Republicans' request that 90 seconds actually be the total amount of time Palin is required to speak for the entire debate.

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by spearclemo June 29th at 9:44PM
5 Comments
August 12th at 12:23PM

Barack Obama and John McCain Weigh In on Pop Culture

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn


John McCain and Barack Obama recently revealed some of their favorite movies, TV shows and musical artists, and it's clear that there was no pandering or image-adjusting involved in their answers. We're sure that Obama didn't cite old TV shows like M*A*S*H and The Dick Van Dyke Show just to make himself seem less young, and of course McCain is a fan of Usher! No, there's no way a candidate would use this opportunity to target specific demographics with overly-researched responses. By the way, here's some stuff that didn't make it into that article:

On Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
John McCain: "Well, I think the show's earlier years on the WB are clearly better than those last two seasons on UPN. The supernatural elements were perfect metaphors for the difficulties our young people have in high school, and when Buffy saved the world from the evil Glorificus, her sacrifice was the logical end to her service on this earth. After she was resurrected, the mood changed, and, despite the musical episode, I don't think all that gloom and doom sent the right message. I mean, did they even finish college? I don't think so."

On late-period musical theater:
Barack Obama: "Despite the emergence of the Brown-Lippa-LaChiusa triptych and younger, DIY voices like Lopez/Marx and Joe Iconis and in the post-Larson era, no one writing today even approaches the emotional depth, harmonic complexity and the spiritual clarity evident in the work of the still-living legend Stephen Sondheim. Maybe Adam Guettel, but he supports drilling."

On the works of H.P. Lovecraft:
John McCain: "Though it would be fashionable to choose 'The Call of Cthulhu' or 'At the Mountains of Madness,' my heart beats blackest for 'The Dunwich Horror.' You cannot discount the prominence of both The Necronomicon and Yog-Sothoth in a single work. Sacrifice your sallow mortal flesh to this Great Old One and the stars shall weep at our infernal feast. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

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Revealed on Indecision. McCain stole the ingredients for Re-animation from Lovencraft and somehow got a hold of Ash's Necronomicon as opposed to Superman's. I mean, that wouldn't make sense.

by Risky Rev. August 12th at 7:46PM
4 Comments