Sarah Palin! The Musical
Ben Greenman shines a harsh musical light on the scenes behind the sudden, miraculous nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin…
(JOHN McCAIN is meeting with CHARLIE BLACK and RICK DAVIS to decide whom to pick for vice president.)
JOHN McCAIN
I think I want
Joe Lieberman.CHARLIE BLACK
With him, there's no way
You can win.JOHN McCAIN
Well, what about Tom Ridge instead?CHARLIE BLACK
Do that and your campaign is dead.RICK DAVIS
We need a conservative who can serve.JOHN McCAIN
You jerks are getting on my last nerve.(The phone rings in the Palin home… JOHN McCAIN offers her a spot on the Republican ticket.)
JOHN McCAIN
Is there anything
I need to know
About your family?SARAH PALIN
No. Although,
Now that you mention it,
Once, back in the '80s,
Todd was driving tipsy
And dinged up a Mercedes.JOHN McCAIN
You sure
That's all?SARAH PALIN
That's all
I recall.JOHN McCAIN
That's really
Quite small.
Excellent. You've got the job.
Rick and Charlie can polish my knob.
Read the whole thing on McSweeney's…
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Who are you, Joe Biden? Plagiarism. I'm voting for McCain because of you.
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
Soon his kids, his wife, and eventually the surrounding neighborhood join in and then they begin to sing:
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood